I deliberately named the title of this post as I did, because I’m hoping that it shows up in search engine results when someone looks for what the experience is like to ship a motorcycle across Canada with Air Canada. (See what I did there?)

So helpful, I know.

It all started when a buddy sent me this link back in June: http://canadamotoguide.com/2015/03/03/air-canadas-new-motorcycle-cargo-options/

I had been thinking of riding from Vancouver Island to Toronto on my motorcycle to visit my high school buddies and then looping back around through the US during August of 2015.

When I saw this picture, I reconsidered.

So I called Air Canada Cargo using the number on their website: 1-800-387-4865

A heavily accented voice answered and told me that Air Canada didn’t fly motorcycles across Canada.

Yep.

So I waited 2 minutes and called again.

Some other voice answered. Yes, it said, Air Canada will fly your motorcycle across Canada (ah ha! progress!). But the voice knew nothing about it, and it would depend on the weight of the bike, and I had to get a broker (?). Where do I get a broker, I humbly asked. "Look it up online."

Thank you … so much. I hung up.

Off to my favourite travel agency: ‘End Of The World Travel’ http://www.aroundtheworldtravel.ca/

A new employee named Kari decided to take on my motorcycle shipment ‘as a fun challenge’. Just the kind of spunk I was hoping for.

As I lounged in a comfortable Costco chair, Kari called up Air Canada and they told her that yes, I could accompany my bike across Canada, but first I had to buy a personal ticket. Like right now.

Cost? $305.

Cool. Then the Air Canada speakerphone person said “Oh, I’m sorry. Only certain aircraft styles can fit a motorcycle." And that plane wasn’t a suitable plane.

The voice gave us options: "Widebody this, 747 that…" We picked one. (Surprise! $100 more expensive. $405.)

Then, we were told, 30 days before departure we had to call Air Canada Cargo again and then arrange for the bike to be shipped. Can’t do it at the time you buy your own ticket. No problem.

I cheerfully bought a ticket, and booked another appointment with Kari a month prior to departure, to buy a ticket for the bike.

I went home smiling.

Two weeks later … I went back to see Kari. She was still there. Good omen.

After she made 3 attempts (seems like that’s the magic number) at talking with clueless people in Air Canada Cargo with me on speakerphone - nobody knew anything about flying a motorcycle across Canada - a dude named Ron got on the line.

Ron is, quite evidently, the man.

First thing Ron tells us is that Air Canada had booked me on the wrong size plane to ship my bike on.

For a paltry $100 they would kindly rectify their error OR put my bike on an earlier flight … with no penalty. Sheesh.

Ron made up my mind when he said it's much better to put the bike on an earlier flight because it takes upwards of 4 hours for them to clear the bike in Toronto. It would be ready to go when I disembark. Bonus.

I have to have less than 1/4 tank of gas in the bike. (not sure how they would know but, ok, not a problem)

I have to bring tools to disconnect the battery leads, and tape to tape them up.

They take the bike, put it on a palette and strap it down. I can keep all my luggage on it, as long as it’s firmly attached. No bear spray. No gas cans. (I shipped my Rotopax gas can to a friend’s place in Ontario last week. $15)

I have to have the bike at Air Canada Cargo no later than 4 hours prior to flight time.

And I pay for all of this the day I walk into Cargo. I can’t pay in advance. Yes, they take VISA. No, travel points don’t count for cargo shipments. (Aww, man!)

They weigh the bike when it gets to Cargo. Ron asked me how much it weighed. I quickly Googled it on the Triumph website and added 100 pounds. Ron said that would be a good enough estimate till I get there.

I got a confirmation number. Love confirmation numbers.

Oh, one more thing - I needed a Dangerous Goods Certificate. An original copy, not a picture or photocopy to present at Air Canada Cargo.

End Of The World Kari to the rescue, phone fingers flying. Jonathan at Kel-Ex Agencies answered http://www.kel-ex.com/

2 minutes later a fax arrived, I filled it out. Kari faxed it back. I recited my VISA number and for $100 (what is it with that $ number and these people?) I got this document in the mail, 5 days later.

Note: The kinda visible red dashed line along left side means this is VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF PAPER. Paper. Make. Bike. OK.

BTW - you can be anywhere in Canada and these guys will arrange the certificate for you and mail it to you: KEL-EX Agencies 604-986-4617. Very helpful and nice people. Note: You need an addressee - a physical location destination. I used a friend’s address in Toronto.

Oh, on my way out, a call from the ever-spunky Kari.

Apparently there is yet another Government Tax measured per kilogram on anything you ship via Air Canada, including motorcycles.

As in days of old, it seems brigands stop caravans en-route and demand extortion from defenceless travellers to finance their chicanery. Ahh, progress.

Since I don’t know the actual weight of my bike and luggage… her guess at the bribe to avoid kidnapping of The Crow is … $100.

Until departure date…